Personal Reading
July 6, 2016
You know that if you are looking at a heart monitor, you see the beating and pulsing of the heart. If you get a flat line then that means it’s over, the patient is dead. You may as well accept that you have been incarnated in transformative times and there will always be opportunities to transform. A transformation is always going to feel like that electrocardiogram – up and down. Once you can become a witness to the patterns in your own life, in your own energy and once you know yourself and your patterns, you know what you can tolerate and what you cannot tolerate.
The optimal chart of the heart is a rhythm and it is normal to go up and down. It is not normal to have very high peaks or low peaks or to go faster. Each human is responsible for themselves. It is very important to have balance: to have a balanced diet, to have a balanced relationship, physical activity, spiritual activity and mental activity; to study something, to review something, to learn something each day. Not to spend all day studying, or praying or exercising. It is always good to have a balance.
Within that balance, within that movement of ones own energy, one has an easier opportunity to know thyself.
The heart has 4 chambers, the heart is pumping blood. There is a certain structure around the beating of the heart and that is what makes the electrocardiogram, that is what shows the pulsing of the heart, the movement of the blood from one chamber to the other, through the lungs to get oxygenated and back through the heart and out through the body. In and out. Life is about balance. As a two-legged you walk around on two feet, you balance constantly. Put yourself in a rhythm. You are a dancer you know the importance of rhythm. Being sensitive, in tune to the sound you are hearing, the movements associated with the sound. This is life, the movement of the energy outward associated with the movement of energy coming in. It is a flow. Get in with the flow. It is always important during transformational times to have catharsis. Realize that no one is standing on the top of the mountain enlightened. Everyone is moving, in the flow of life. So you don’t hold it in because you are supposed to have achieved a certain status. You know as a dancer that as soon as you reach a certain status- the prima ballerina for example, has to work the hardest to keep this status…She has to practice even more to keep up her standard. Life is a rehearsal. You have to keep up, keep going, don’t stop!
Something very dramatic happened, it was inside of me and came out like a bomb. I organized a retreat and I had a very dark dream about myself…the classes went well but I had a very negative experience there with my energy field. I thought my life was over. I was defeated by the struggle. But there was something that kept me going…At the same time I am developing a strange energy. A lot of things are clearing inside of me- negative and positive at the same time. It is getting so strong that I don’t know what I can do?…
When you play a role in life on the stage of life sometimes one puts on a mask and becomes something that is not necessarily their own private truth. You know that you have it in you, that you are capable of performing your role as a leader but you are still projecting onto that role some characteristics that are not necessarily your personal truth. There are many different ways to lead and the most authentic way to lead is to go out and be yourself and anyone who wants to and is capable to will follow. Not to become something that you are not in order to be something that the other has forgot. In other words, your personal struggle is with authenticity. What is the authentic you? You are teaching improvisation which could be broken up into two sides: sincere and insincere. So you could take the class and say half of you be sincere and the other half be insincere deliberately. You can try it with yourself. Be sincere and be insincere. It is a very fine line for an individual to discern what the difference is between those two things. What is the difference?
Let’s say you are dancing improvisational as a cat. Insincerity could be trying to move as a cat moves. Sincerity would be first and foremost feeling the feline energy and then moving. You might not look like a cat at all. So you see the difference. What is happening with you up and down from sincerity to insincerity within your self, authenticity to inauthentic? It is the process of becoming. There is always a part that wants to escape, the part of the self that wants to jump out of the ring, jump out of life. Not really to surrender but to abandon, the internal sense of abandonment that taps you on the shoulder and says “abandon this life!” It is the shadows that tap on the shoulder lightly and whisper in the ear “abandon this life, abandon it, you are not worth anything, you can’t do this, you are not good enough”. And then the one that has that shadow, it starts growing inside and when the whisper gets inside it gets loud and it is screaming “abandon ship, get off! It is sinking!” and then the crisis comes. The boat is not sinking, the ship has just left the dock, it is still in shallow water. You are okay; you can step off the boat. Self sabotage. You must watch for this. You have to turn and go into the self and take it apart and understand that it is another layer, another veil that you are taking off. One more veil has to come off so that you can be more authentic in your expressions in what you share with your students with your contemporaries. Who are you? What are you?
I was doing this in a workshop in June and it was working really well for me…and then in the second part I lost that balance because of wanting a man…I was inside a drama playing a role. I left every aspect of myself to come out and I felt dead. Then I realized my life was not destroyed, I have to find a way to move on…
This is a great exercise in becoming detached from your own desire. If you are thirsty and you see a very attractive glass of water it is very difficult to pass by and wait for another one to appear. It is the thirst and desire that causes one to cling, to grab hold and to attach to the illusion of satisfaction. Desire and satisfaction for that desire are not always found in the same place. Very often for the human, the desire covers a need and the need, of course, is for love. The need is for love, acceptance and belonging; the sense of belonging. The desire that you carry with you, the desire for a lover, mate, for a partner and you bring that into a room, let’s say, in a suitcase. You put that empty suitcase down. You are waiting to fill it. You are waiting for what you believe will satisfy your desire. You go into the group and you are searching, seeking for what you can carry away with you in that luggage. This focusing on that emptiness in that suitcase causes you to miss the whole point and the whole picture. Really, what you need is to feel like you belong, to feel embraced and loved. As a teacher you found a way to express yourself, you found something that honors your inner self (dancing) and you create an atmosphere of self expression where you can share. Rather than go into the experience, expecting or knowing what you need, you carry your desire in there and when you walk out with the empty suitcase you miss the whole thing. Improvisation is creating the opportunity for love. This allows the participants to search inside themselves, to bring out something. What often happens
in those experiences, the actual benefit of the participation does not occur until after, the aftermath. Even as the leader or guide, you can call yourself the guide. The aftermath for you that is happening presently that is the benefit of the whole experience. What it brings out of you, the catharsis. Improvisation puts a twist inside because you are trying to do something and it is supposed to teach the participants that this is not about trying. Life is not about trying but being. You are living your life, you are being! You want to improvise the spring, the rain shower, you become that rain shower, you allow it to become you and you feel that you are the rain and this is where the expansion of consciousness exists within this work, in becoming.
So many years I am asking to heal myself and I feel like I am running out of patience.
All my struggle is to ground my sexual body into this earth and it is a very, very great struggle. I have repressed my femininity for decades…I need someone equal to my vibration. I do not know who? If my heart breaks again with this man, I do not want this reality any more…I feel like when I am truly in my power a man will come. It will happen simultaneously. I have been receiving messages from spirit that “there is a man coming toward you and you are going to have to want to lead people so you have to clarify your desire for leading on the earth”. This goes together for me.
There are many on the planet earth that have risen above their sexuality. We are going to call it the “godhead”. To take the sexual energy and direct it toward enlightenment and expansion of the chakras above the heart rather than below the heart. The will is right below the heart so the will and the heart are actually in the center in the energy systems inside the human form. They say there is a 7th chakra but it is above the physical form, in the energy field 8th,9th, 10th…you can keep counting as high as you want. There are 2 chakras below, 2 chakras in the center and 2 chakras above. Within those 2 chakras – the heart and the will center- you decide which direction is most important now. At this point as a human being, if you are being human and you really feel a sense of care for the rest of humanity, you want to lead humanity. Which direction are you going to lead them? Down into the first and second chakra or up into the fifth and sixth. If you had a choice where would you lead them? UP. You might even say because humanity cannot really get any lower, now can they? If you examine what those chakras represent and what are the imbalances in those chakras particularly in the first two. What is happening in the world? Now there is a great movement up into better communication from the heart, more psychic, more knowingness, this type of movement. If you are honest with yourself as a human you must admit that those shadows that are tapping on the shoulders “fear of abandonment” is the first chakra…that you are not worthy, that you need to get off the earth. As you are searching, waiting, hoping to satisfy your own personal sexuality do not forget which direction you really want to move. Which side of the coin are you on? Are you above the heart or below? Keep the big picture. If you feel sexually frustrated look for remedies for that; sex is not the only remedy. If you were a housewife married with a couple of kids you may still have a big list that you are not really sexually satisfied…You can dream anything because there are so many stories and particularly for the woman. If you feel that you have a big issue with your sexuality, go out and explore that. Go out and explore sexual healing. Perhaps you need to go into tantric, learn something about the tantra. What are they doing? What is the source there? What is the point of discontent that is happening that is causing this new movement to rise up? What happened to women through the ages as their sexuality became suppressed, as they were called the “Evil Eve” that brought down the whole society when she seduced Adam. What was this illusion that was created for women? That they are not allowed to be, to live their own sexuality? You as an individual created an opportunity to feel that, to frustrate yourself with that. This does not work for me. I do not have a satisfactory outlet for my sexuality. I am not attractive or the ideal beauty of the society therefore I am rejected. What about an obese woman? How does she feel about her sexuality? What’s going on with her? You can do so much more and you will as you are honest with yourself. The work has only just begun. This is the life; this is the life that you have chosen. There are more doors opening. Every time you go deeper inside and you honestly view your life: those things that you can be grateful for, those things that you still long for. In some ways it is the longing in life –we are not calling it desire- we are calling it longing. It is that longing that propels one forward into their personal power; into the power of their self expression and into the satisfaction. It is the longing to live and be alive. Sensual pleasure does not necessarily have to be shared with another. Sensuality is dancing in the rain, feeling the sun. It would be nice if I had somebody…I am in love with this man…I am hopeful. When you share love with another it is very important that you recognize and identify your own shadow; that you witness how that shadow is improvising in the dance between you and the one you love. It is for you to notice when the shadow wants to come out and play. Life is about “know thyself, love thyself”. You love others so you can see what love is. What does love do to you? If love is fueling desire, if you notice what you are calling love is fueling the desire, putting more logs on the fire of desire, perhaps it is not love. Love is from the heart. The human mind has ideas about what is love. When you have love, when you believe you love this other. Ask yourself what is it that I love about this other? What do I see in this character or this form that opens my heart? What opens my heart? Very often desire or passion closes the heart around the other. “This is mine and I will control it, I will drive this vehicle, it is mine” This is not love, this is possessiveness, basically.
As you fall into another, as they become a part of your reality because they are in your thoughts, your mind, your fantasies look behind the curtain and see what is it there that I want to be? Where is the authentic me? What is authentic about my need or my desire for that other? What is my authenticity? What is happening here?
Every relationship throughout life gives one an opportunity to know oneself better, to go deeper to investigate and to discover the authentic self. You know you can do it. You have had many disappointments in this romantic arena as have many. Whether a relationship is consummated or not, there are many disappointments, many illusions, many tragedies and love dramas occurring. If you truly love him, use him as an inspiration. Use that feeling as an inspiration, dance your passion, dance your desire, put it into movement for your own healing. If you believe that you somehow destroyed your potential with him, then you investigate that. You did not kill him, so you review clearly what happened and perhaps write him a letter from your authentic self and tell him the truth of yourself. Look at yourself from another position, not with the intention to excuse yourself, but to show your authenticity as another wounded human. All the humans are wounded that are here. Rather than wounded let’s use the word “fragmented”; they are fragmented. Every human being is a fragment of the light that originates from their source. They are most often limited with how much illumination they can offer because their shadows are crouching in on their own light. Their shadows are showing up. Each human is attempting to illuminate their own shadows so that they themselves can see them. It is so easy to run away from the self and to go hide in a corner and to blame someone else or blame life or blame anything at all rather than to authentically speak “I am a fragment of my god self.” Do not believe this new spirituality that “I am God” but “I am a fragment of my whole self, of my wholly illuminated self trying to uncover my shadows” and love is a flashlight. Tell this man that “You give me a flashlight so I can illuminate myself”…This is the life lesson.
Write down any dreams, precognitive things. Keep a record and review them from time to time. Do not take it so seriously. Take it as an expression of your own self realization. Even if you see something tragic, it doesn’t mean it will necessarily happen. It may be a bridge busting inside of yourself, a tsunami of emotion coming out. Many times dreams are prophetic but you do not know until you reach the point that it is prophesying that particular point.
How do men come to women’s lives? Why did he come to me? Love is in the air so just breathe it, breathe it in. Take a deep breath, don’t give up.